I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
