I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
