Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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