so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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