Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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