god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
