totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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