Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
