how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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