working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
