someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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