Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
