that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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