I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
