My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
should my penis look like a turkey
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
