All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
