like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
