i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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