We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
