We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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