Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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