now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
