I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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