I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
