After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
