When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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