so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
