New low: just hacked my moms facebook
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
