I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
