okay pat passed out under dana's car
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
