Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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