Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
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