Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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