you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize