guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize