Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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