Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
