Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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