after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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