i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
