i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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