bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
