My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
