so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
