i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
i think my cat just said my name.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
