fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
