sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
