remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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