I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize