At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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