I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize