Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
