Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
