If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
